Running Suicides
Yesterday, my church started a series entitled “People of the Second Chance” and I am very excited for what God will do and has done through it! It focuses on the story of the Prodigal Son. Pastor Pete talked yesterday specifically on the role of the younger son, the prodigal, and all of the things that occurred in his life. He talked about reasons that the son ran from home for so long and also why/how he decided to turn back and go home to his father. You can find the whole sermon at www.crosspoint.tv but I do not have enough time or writing skills to rehash the entire sermon.
As for my own life, I can and have identified a point in time where I was running from God. I ran really far and for a long time. But when I realized, by the grace of God and through His communities, that I was running from God, I turned around and He was there. He was right there with His arms open telling me that none of the things I had done took His love away. Amazing!
Today, I can say that I am not running from God but to Him… most of the time. As I listened to the sermon yesterday, it occurred to me that, though I am not in the position of the prodigal (where I am desperately searching for some other ultimate in my life and running away from God), I do run from God some days. I do not run far and I always find myself running right back to Him immediately, but I do run.
In high school and middle school, I played lacrosse. I was not always the most dedicated team member but I was always at practice and there was always one part I disliked: suicide sprints. I would always rather have played hard in practice and not gotten in trouble instead of running suicides. If you have never run them, let me explain my experience with them. I would stand on one side of the field and then, 50 yards away, I would stare at the other side of the field. When coach blew the whistle, we would take off and once you get to the other side you immediately turn around and run back. You rest for 30 seconds and are happy you made it back then take off again with coach blows the whistle again.
This is what happens to me spiritually some days. In certain areas of my life, a whistle is blown. It is some signal or distraction that draws me to thinking or doing something I know is not of God and I know will end in defeat but for whatever stupid reason I hear that whistle and I run in that direction. I often find myself running fast and hard towards it then… I see that sideline. I see the end result right in my face. I see the pain I will feel and the pain God is feeling and I turn around. I turn and I sprint even harder back to God. I apologize and repent. I tell Him that I hated that I ran and that I won’t do it again and He nods. He gives me a hug and I rest in Him knowing that He is home for me. But sadly, another whistle comes by and I take off, sometimes not even knowing I took off! Then I soon see what I am doing and run back. God is still there. He still hugs me when I tell Him I won’t do it again.
I have seen this happening less and less but it still happens. The only reason I see the end result now (or the sideline, as I said before) is quite simple: I stay in the word and in communities of Christians who can hold me accountable. Before I returned as a prodigal to my Father a year and a half ago, I had no one ministering to me, I had no authentically Christian friends and I was never in His word. So when I took the wrong road, doing the wrong things for fun, dating the wrong person, living wildly, I had nothing consistent to turn me around. That is how I got so far away from God. I am pleased to say that I have never been that far from God since and I owe that to God, community, and the study of His word.
Now I can see the sidelines and I can even see the whistles ahead of time some days! More often then not, I am noticing the whistles that try to get my attention and measuring them up to what I know is pleasing to the heart of my Creator. Though I still get distracted and find myself running suicides, it happens less and I always make it back to the arms of God. I hope and pray that I run fewer suicides as life goes on and, maybe one day, I won’t even need the sideline to turn me around; maybe I won’t even run away for a second. I pray that I can get to that point.
For now, I will continue to study God and His word and surround myself with people who can hold me accountable so that I will always find rest in God and always come back to Him, no matter what tries to draw me away from Him.
As for my own life, I can and have identified a point in time where I was running from God. I ran really far and for a long time. But when I realized, by the grace of God and through His communities, that I was running from God, I turned around and He was there. He was right there with His arms open telling me that none of the things I had done took His love away. Amazing!
Today, I can say that I am not running from God but to Him… most of the time. As I listened to the sermon yesterday, it occurred to me that, though I am not in the position of the prodigal (where I am desperately searching for some other ultimate in my life and running away from God), I do run from God some days. I do not run far and I always find myself running right back to Him immediately, but I do run.
In high school and middle school, I played lacrosse. I was not always the most dedicated team member but I was always at practice and there was always one part I disliked: suicide sprints. I would always rather have played hard in practice and not gotten in trouble instead of running suicides. If you have never run them, let me explain my experience with them. I would stand on one side of the field and then, 50 yards away, I would stare at the other side of the field. When coach blew the whistle, we would take off and once you get to the other side you immediately turn around and run back. You rest for 30 seconds and are happy you made it back then take off again with coach blows the whistle again.
This is what happens to me spiritually some days. In certain areas of my life, a whistle is blown. It is some signal or distraction that draws me to thinking or doing something I know is not of God and I know will end in defeat but for whatever stupid reason I hear that whistle and I run in that direction. I often find myself running fast and hard towards it then… I see that sideline. I see the end result right in my face. I see the pain I will feel and the pain God is feeling and I turn around. I turn and I sprint even harder back to God. I apologize and repent. I tell Him that I hated that I ran and that I won’t do it again and He nods. He gives me a hug and I rest in Him knowing that He is home for me. But sadly, another whistle comes by and I take off, sometimes not even knowing I took off! Then I soon see what I am doing and run back. God is still there. He still hugs me when I tell Him I won’t do it again.
I have seen this happening less and less but it still happens. The only reason I see the end result now (or the sideline, as I said before) is quite simple: I stay in the word and in communities of Christians who can hold me accountable. Before I returned as a prodigal to my Father a year and a half ago, I had no one ministering to me, I had no authentically Christian friends and I was never in His word. So when I took the wrong road, doing the wrong things for fun, dating the wrong person, living wildly, I had nothing consistent to turn me around. That is how I got so far away from God. I am pleased to say that I have never been that far from God since and I owe that to God, community, and the study of His word.
Now I can see the sidelines and I can even see the whistles ahead of time some days! More often then not, I am noticing the whistles that try to get my attention and measuring them up to what I know is pleasing to the heart of my Creator. Though I still get distracted and find myself running suicides, it happens less and I always make it back to the arms of God. I hope and pray that I run fewer suicides as life goes on and, maybe one day, I won’t even need the sideline to turn me around; maybe I won’t even run away for a second. I pray that I can get to that point.
For now, I will continue to study God and His word and surround myself with people who can hold me accountable so that I will always find rest in God and always come back to Him, no matter what tries to draw me away from Him.
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