in the love of Christ

Awake at night, I lay in bed and pick my sweet little girl up from her cradle in our room. I make an excuse to because I know it bothers my husband when he falls asleep and the baby is in the bed (even if I am wide awake). So, I just changed her diaper...now she is laying on my chest and I am wide awake. Being able to hear her breathe twice for each of my husbands deep, long, sleepy breaths is magical. Everything I have ever wanted to be is right here. Wife. Mother. Those are my dreams and aspirations. I am more than content. I am overflowing with joy. Holding his hand. Balancing her on my chest and belly. My beautifully stretched and mostly shrunken belly. This is very much so my home. Our home. Tomorrow night, as I walk the hallways into work and think to myself all the professional things we are taught to want- a masters degree, extra certifications, professional development- I will remember this right here. The baby hair tickling my chin and the calloused hands of a man who pro

My neighbor must be heading to work. I can hear his truck rolling on the gravel drive behind us with the windows open to let in some fresh spring air that smells so sweet and cool at 5:29am. And I am laying here with my six week old angel. Six weeks of pure joy and adjustment. She is adjusting to me and I to her. Now, she snoozes in the crook of my arm with her head on my arm and her hand on my chest. My whole body and being sustained her for that long stretch of months where I felt her wiggle and grow within me. Now, I still sustain and grow her along with my husband. I know now what my mom meant when she would say she never has any privacy. My whole body and self are exposed and touched out pretty much all day every day. But it has been the most valuable time in my life. I am thankful for the last six weeks of growing and adjusting along side my husband as we accept the fact that we are parents. That carries a heavy load, another load that I must surrender to The Lord because

Of all of the things I could choose as my first topic to blog about in such a long time, I have no idea why it has to be this one. But, it has to be this one. I just woke up from a sad dream. One that I hope my daughter never has. She is actually sleeping close by and I pray in this moment she will never experience the dream I just had. I was throwing a party in some strange alternate version of my present day life where I have a lot of land and tons of money to fund this kind of event. The scene is a not atypical for here in the south: big field, bonfire, beverages, cars/trucks parked everywhere, maybe 150 people total, country music coming from someone's open car. And I am single but all my girlfriends are there. I am, however, the only person with skin that is not white. Everything was going well. It was actually pretty fun. I was throwing the party so I may have been a little anxious and oblivious to the fact that people were keeping me at a distance when they could but,

Where should I even start? Let’s just have a lifetime catch up. I have sat down to write a blog at different times in the past few months with an idea to develop in my head but then…I have chosen to take a nap. Every single time I have chosen a stolen hour of sleep in my day over the extremely common trend of writing my ideas for the whole of the Internet accessible world to read. I have no apologies for naps but I am glad to be awake and writing now. All the extra sleep needs stem from one big life event happening now: I am growing a little girl. All these months of my body evolving into the sole means for my child to meet the world all the while keeping up my daily duties has been an exhaustingly beautiful. Being pregnant is simply amazing but I won’t say it has been painless. No complaints here. I went through nursing school and know what having a baby entails so I very clearly knew what I was getting myself into but knowing the lecture hall version and living it out are tw