Known by God

As I have read and prayed through Psalm 139 the past few weeks, I find myself wondering how many of us have sat in a season of life where we could take enough breaths and think to ourselves that things are really steady. At some point, have you ever thought you were sufficiently strong in faith and knowledge? That there was no real risk involved as you work out your faith in action? That there is no fear left to creep in?

Me neither. Maybe, for a few moments, I might have thought that in the last four years. But, I clearly remember praying that God would grow me. Heck, many throughout God’s Kingdom were singing this prayer:

“Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, where my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.” (“Oceans” by Hillsong)

If you don’t think the songs you raise in worship to the Lord are prayers, you might want to watch out. Watching people really worship is to watch them change their perspective, adjust their minds and hearts, and look to God for their path and provision. Praise and prayer go hand in hand.

For myself, God heard my prayer to know Him more and refocused my lense. My view did not get smaller, though. I would call it zooming out. I thought He would take me deeper into the things I was already used to. Instead, He showed me that what I knew, the foundation I was set firmly upon, was good but that a new season was coming. He started to teach me more about Himself and remind me that this would take my entire lifetime, not reaching completion until I have reached Heaven.

He was showing me so much and growing me in new ways. My feet were far beyond where I could wander alone, seeing that I really can no longer live but Christ in me. That I can know, believe, and act in His Righteousness in place of my failed, human attempts at righteousness. I was understanding and learning about parts of this faith that I had read over in His Word time and time again. But, it was His timing to grow me in ways I did not expect.

Anytime we learn something new in life, there is risk as we put it into practice. It is why new nurses are precepted by experienced nurses for weeks or months. There is a margin of error that comes into the practice of life. Fear crept in that I would drop the ball. In fact, I quickly dropped the ball in a moment where I let my flesh convince me to be afraid of what people would say in response to my understanding of a circumstance. It was a simple moment, nothing much compared to other times I went with my gut, followed God’s peace into the uncomfortable places, risked looking like an fool for the sake of Christ. It was a safe moment, surrounded by believers, where I should have felt more comfortable than ever sharing my two cents but I didn’t and that only made my fear louder. So, instead of quieting my fear, I quieted myself, prayed, and didn’t say what I knew I should have. The next day I understood completely why the Lord was convicting me. Hindsight is 20/20. I never want to drop the ball again. Will I? I’m human so probably. But, I don’t want to.

I share that vague experience to remind us that the fear of failure and criticism can keep us from obeying the Lord. That seems obvious but I think it is dangerous to think we are “beyond” being afraid. We have to know that fear can be there, as I often mistake fear to be sensibility or precaution. I have to look at it and call it what it is: fear. We need to make sure we don’t sit in that fear but that we cast it out, face that fear with truth.

God calms my fears. His Word affirms my identity, that I have a spirit of power not of fear (Romans 8:15). I test everything against the Truth, that is His Word. He repeatedly shows me that He knows who I am, the motives I have, the purpose of my actions, and that I must be obedient to Him as an ambassador of Christ, whom I fear with reverent trembling (2 Corinthians 5:11-21).

And, again, He reassures me from those who disciple me! Just as I did stepping into the practice of nursing, I have spiritual preceptors that beautifully minister to me. These beacons of faith that I love and respect speak truth that I need into my life. One, in particular, directly addressed these fears saying, “You are undermining what God is doing.” She had no idea, at the time, how true that was on so many levels.

In the past four years, I have done things I never thought I would do. Maybe I thought I would do some of them “some day down the road”. Some of them I sought out but most of them happened when I least expected it. From becoming a homeowner, nurse administrator, and interpreter to changing seasons in ministry as a pastor’s wife, worship leader, and now stay-at-home missionary mom, there has always been a new margin for error. I pray that margin is ever-shrinking as I learn better to do what God has called me to do.

But, the margin of error, though ever-shrinking, won’t ever completely disappear this side of heaven. Wouldn’t the enemy be so pleased to keep me focused on that margin, though? On what I can mess up and how I can stumble instead of how powerful my God is? Thankfully, God holds me fast, knowing me completely. Wherever I go, in whatever I do, I can cast out fear with God’s love, saying “even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.” (Psalm 139:10)

God is asking each of us to obey and follow Him in personal ways. We, as believers in Jesus Christ, are parts of His active and working Kingdom. Let’s not let the risk of failure keep us from doing what is right. Where we fail, God will fill. I pray we never settle in the fear that comes from being known by man. Instead, I pray we rest in the grace that is being known by God.