March 6, 2015
I can see myself holding him. Snuggled at my breast as I comfort him, he sleeps and I rock him by the window. "Stay awake, don't rest your head. Hmmm hmm hmmm..."
February 15, 2016
I am cleaning out the notes on my phone and I read those words. The difference in a year is astounding. The season of birthday, holidays, showers is almost over and I am ready for that. I am ready to draw into myself, recuse myself from the social calendar and sit a while. This time, a new little girl will join me in my post new year repose. She will offer me a break from the work I do and usher in a new season of my motherhood. I am beyond excited to hold her, love her and rock her as I have only done from my womb until now. She will be here soon.
But her sibling, the one to whom we said goodbye last year at this time and the one who seems to stir my mind as well as her father's mind, is still here. Engraved on my heart and bones, he will never leave and I am glad for that. I don't think about him every day now and I don't constantly wonder where we would be with his five month old cry and giggle at our side had he been healthy, able to thrive. With each doctor's appointment, I don't always see that chair in the private waiting or walk past the ultrasound room hearing the echoes of his little heart beat. God has healed wounds in His time. I thank Him for that and the work He is still doing.
I choose not to live in fear. Each day, I choose not to live as though just around the corner is another heart break, another tragedy, another moment of life altering pain. It may be there but I must choose not to fear it because God heals and has healed me by giving my pain purpose. I think and write these things but it has to be a choice I make to believe them, to love God so much that I surrender to Him regardless of the circumstances of my life or even the potential for future pain. I am closer to my Comforter now than on any day before. He is completing works in me and beginning new ones. There is potential for future joy, too, and a guarantee of future glory. I choose to live in that knowledge. That is where I am and where I will be.
Good morning in the Love of Christ.
I can see myself holding him. Snuggled at my breast as I comfort him, he sleeps and I rock him by the window. "Stay awake, don't rest your head. Hmmm hmm hmmm..."
February 15, 2016
I am cleaning out the notes on my phone and I read those words. The difference in a year is astounding. The season of birthday, holidays, showers is almost over and I am ready for that. I am ready to draw into myself, recuse myself from the social calendar and sit a while. This time, a new little girl will join me in my post new year repose. She will offer me a break from the work I do and usher in a new season of my motherhood. I am beyond excited to hold her, love her and rock her as I have only done from my womb until now. She will be here soon.
But her sibling, the one to whom we said goodbye last year at this time and the one who seems to stir my mind as well as her father's mind, is still here. Engraved on my heart and bones, he will never leave and I am glad for that. I don't think about him every day now and I don't constantly wonder where we would be with his five month old cry and giggle at our side had he been healthy, able to thrive. With each doctor's appointment, I don't always see that chair in the private waiting or walk past the ultrasound room hearing the echoes of his little heart beat. God has healed wounds in His time. I thank Him for that and the work He is still doing.
I choose not to live in fear. Each day, I choose not to live as though just around the corner is another heart break, another tragedy, another moment of life altering pain. It may be there but I must choose not to fear it because God heals and has healed me by giving my pain purpose. I think and write these things but it has to be a choice I make to believe them, to love God so much that I surrender to Him regardless of the circumstances of my life or even the potential for future pain. I am closer to my Comforter now than on any day before. He is completing works in me and beginning new ones. There is potential for future joy, too, and a guarantee of future glory. I choose to live in that knowledge. That is where I am and where I will be.
Good morning in the Love of Christ.
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