Down the Rabbit Trail

I have been looking to my left, through the wide windows of our bedroom turned in-home office, for three weeks now. I think it has been three weeks. Four weeks may have already passed uncounted by my occupied mind. So, I am sitting down to take an inventory within.

From the sounds of my conversations and the looks of our social media feeds, it is clear that none of us really know if we are doing this season of life correctly. There is certainly a sense some days that we made it through work at home, church from home, school at home, physical distancing and social connection where able with a sense of accomplishment and gratitude. But, there are other days that feel so unsettled, unaccomplished and uncertain that I can only cling to the command to take heart in Jesus.

I have tried to be careful what I share publicly - there are so many feelings and opinions. Reluctantly, we shared that we are expecting another baby because at 20 weeks on the fourth pregnancy (I write fourth and pause… truly the sixth pregnancy with a loss still tangible enough in my spirit that I can’t move on without acknowledging that child) I am quite evidently pregnant. Good news of expectant joy in the midst of whatever this season is!

I wish I could call it something other than a “season”. As a nurse, I call it a pandemic and walk sure-footedly behind the practitioners I watch pour hours and weeks of their lives into understanding the research that is ever evolving so they can help people in an unprecedented time. As a citizen, I call it a wedge between people across my home country. I never know what to expect from anyone’s mouth and have felt the sting of words enough this season to just want it to be over.

The icing on this proverbial cake is that our lives still smell so much of newness. New home. New community. New jobs. New church. New school. New spatula. Everything is still new, not even a year old as we resettle as transplants in a new community. We are thankful the Lord has directed our steps and trust Him for each step to come! We try to find rest in Him and accept the stilling reality that nothing feels like home except Him.

And that is where I will land this wandering helicopter surveying the valleys of my heart and mind. Not a single plan of mine can be written in stone. I have hung my hand sewn curtains in my kitchen and finished the pillow I wanted for the bed after placing the last remaining frame in that empty spot I’ve eyed on the wall for six months. I make a home with my palms up and a loose grasp because the Lord Himself directs our path.

“13 Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” 14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15 Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” 16 As it is, you boast in your arrogant schemes. All such boasting is evil. 17 If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them.”
James 4:13-17 NIV

The last verse stings my still fresh wounds of failed people pleasing as the salve of it’s truth gets in deep to continue it’s healing. If I know the good that I should do and I don’t do it, then I am sinning. That verse is hope for this season and a call to simply do the good God places at my hands. That verse rings the bell of freedom for me to look to God in each task and know that the One who knows my heart best isn’t asking me to keep moving forward alone or at any other pace than the one He has set for me.

Though not an excuse from the work of this life, it is an excuse from the work that is not mine to do.

What intimacy with His Spirit and knowledge of His Word must I have to do this well? To follow His lead obediently one step at a time? More than I have now but, in this season, there is my resolve - to know Him more and follow Him better while I do the work He sets before me.

I’ll snuggle the toddler with a diaper rash, read to little women feeling restless, sit with the man keeping our family going, and work as best I can discern to be the nurse God made me to be. But, first, I must pray, study, and rest in Jesus.