When Competition Divides
My daughter came in from school yesterday a little out of sorts. There is this look that comes across her face when she is trying to distract herself, or maybe just distract me, from the fact that she is upset. She couldn’t hide it for too long because, once she got upset about the scissors not working well, she had a meltdown. This was not about the scissors.
After a few minutes of crying and being held in my lap, she finally told me what happened. Her friend at school was awarded “Student of the Day” for being a great helper, or something of that sort. I told her how exciting that her friend has been such a good helper that she got that title! My daughter disagreed. She told me she was too sad for herself to be happy for her friend.
Somehow, the Lord led us through that conversation. I explained to her that it is ok to be sad for ourselves and happy for our friends at the same time, that the Bible tells us to laugh with those who laugh and mourn with those who mourn. She listened intently but determined she just couldn’t be happy for her friend today because she was still too sad for herself.
She went on to tell me that she had been a great helper putting away the books but it was as if no one even noticed. I assured her that God noticed and He is the only one we are truly doing good things for, following the past few weeks of us learning together to look for the good work God has prepared for us to do each day. I told her I still needed her help and she asked to vacuum the living room (praise the Lord!). Away she went to take all her feelings out on the stray tortilla chip crumbs and torn pieces of paper in the living room.
Later, as we sat down to pray for dinner, she did something I have never heard her do before: she prayed for that friend and thanked God for bringing her to Ireland, too. She still wasn’t happy she missed out on the award but she was trying to be happy for her friend.
Man… just scrolling through my instagram feed, I know this is a struggle for so many of us today. Post after post displays our desire, especially as women, for other women to be our cheerleaders and not our competition. We are encouraged to fix one another’s crowns instead of dragging other women down. We are reminded to find our tribes, that group of people who will go to battle with you in every aspect of life. This theme is everywhere because it has been recurring since we were four year olds hoping to be the “Student of the Day”.
I realized a few things as I prayed for my little girl this week.
First, we are driven to compete with one another. Our human nature drives this. The devil drives this. I mean, Genesis chapter 4 tells us how Cain and Abel were out there bringing their offerings to God near the beginning of time and what happened? Cain’s offering wasn’t what God desired which means Abel pleased the Lord and Cain did not. Instead of making a mental note and coming with the correct offering the next time, Cain lures his brother into the field and kills him. Not much has changed. We still find people competing for first place and acting out when they don’t get it. It’s not just big, murderous stories like Cain and Abel, it’s seeing one person get elevated when you feel like you should have been so you gossip a little behind their back. Or maybe you don’t gossip out loud, but inside you are thinking all kinds of things that justify your hurt by tearing the other person down. I would argue that is just as bad. Jesus tells us it is: “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment.” (Mark 5:21-22a).
I am not saying competition is bad in and of itself. Competition can be healthy, in control; it pushes us to succeed and improve. I am saying that the way we react to seeing someone else “beat us”, for lack of a better term, is significant. Do we let it build up hate or envy in our heart? It is hard to love someone or cheer them on when we are feeling the opposite in our heart.
Secondly, if we don’t talk through it or pray through it, these feelings become snares. They trap us in a cycle that is hard to stop. I feel that any unaddressed or even repressed negative feelings become toxic, poisoning everything we do. It was hard to sit there and watch my daughter push her feelings down while trying to cut up some fabrics with me (safety first, of course). She was irritable and eventually lost control all together. I can guarantee if I had offered for this same friend to come for a playdate right then, she would have said no out of spite.
I have definitely been there. It was like God was showing me just what I have looked like when I left things to simmer too long inside and spilled them all out when some other obstacle knocked the lid off the boiling pot that was my emotional stew. It becomes unpalatable and it isolates us from the person with whom God desires to reconcile us. Jesus goes on in Matthew 5 to say we should immediately reconcile ourselves to those we are against in our hearts, first, with the example of forgiving or seeking forgiveness of a brother before you go to make your sacrifice to God and, second, telling people to settle legal matters while on the way to court instead of letting it get all the way to the courts.
I really get the feeling He knows things will get way out of hand the longer we let them go on. These are footholds the enemy can use against us, opportunities for devisiveness. Where unity is the goal, unhealthy competition has no place. So many passages of scripture come to mind because there is nothing new under the sun! The disciples struggled with this while Jesus was walking with them! We would be naive to think we are past or beyond this same struggle.
I am a rambler by nature so I will wrap this up with my third and most tender take away from this week:
When others are elevated, we fear that we are unseen. As my daughter started to explain how she cleaned up the bookshelf and it was as if no one even noticed, I felt the sting that comes with realizing we are all hoping to be seen and known. Her teachers are wonderful and I know she is seen at school. That’s the crux of it, right there. When Abel received praise, I bet Cain felt overshadowed and unseen. The sounds of others receiving praise seems to drown out the truth about our worth… if we let it.
“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” (Ephesians 2:8-10)
At one point, I struggled to believe that I was intentionally created by the Author of all creation as his workmanship, as His masterpiece. My identity mindset changed eternally by taking my creation into account with the perspective that I am a chosen and held daughter of God by the saving work of Jesus Christ in His death and resurrection. To go from that realization to see that God has good work prepared in advance for me… mind blowing. It is my choice, each day, to walk in these good works, not so that they get me to heaven or save me because I could never do enough good work for that! I walk in them because I was made to do them and the God of all has called me to do them. My joy in Him compels me to do them.
We hear that we have unique paths and we all have a unique work to do. That should cut out the competition. If we all have things God desires us, as individuals, to do then why would we be competing with others who also have unique things to do for God?
Sometimes, our unique gifts and works look a lot like what thousands of other people are doing. Spouses know this. Parents know this. Singers know this. Nurses know this. These are a few titles I wear, works that God had prepared for me to do and I personally know thousands (when I scroll through my Facebook feed) of people doing them very similarly to myself. I watch my friends succeed and should rejoice with them!
When we see others doing the thing that we do, our humanity often gets agitated instead of encouraged. I can hear those lies whispering, “Look how good they are doing! Are you sure you should even try at that?” All of a sudden, the gift or work we do seems invisible simply because someone else has been noticed.
That’s where I see the competition become unhealthy: we begin doing our work or using our gifts for the praise of man in place of the One who created us for them in the first place. If I am mothering my children so that they will love me or that the world will see what a great mother I am, then I will be disappointed when other moms do better than me. If I am singing praise to God so that other people will know how good I am at it or admire my faith, then I will be disappointed when there are no compliments or when another worship leader gets elevated.
I’m coming to believe that there is no place in the Kingdom of God for unhealthy competition. It’s a foothold for the enemy to steal, kill, and destroy the beautiful work God is doing in and through us all. Let’s learn together how to celebrate our friends who are “Student of the Day” by remembering that we are seen and loved by the One who created us to do good work in the first place.
“As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.” Ephesians 4:1-6
After a few minutes of crying and being held in my lap, she finally told me what happened. Her friend at school was awarded “Student of the Day” for being a great helper, or something of that sort. I told her how exciting that her friend has been such a good helper that she got that title! My daughter disagreed. She told me she was too sad for herself to be happy for her friend.
Somehow, the Lord led us through that conversation. I explained to her that it is ok to be sad for ourselves and happy for our friends at the same time, that the Bible tells us to laugh with those who laugh and mourn with those who mourn. She listened intently but determined she just couldn’t be happy for her friend today because she was still too sad for herself.
She went on to tell me that she had been a great helper putting away the books but it was as if no one even noticed. I assured her that God noticed and He is the only one we are truly doing good things for, following the past few weeks of us learning together to look for the good work God has prepared for us to do each day. I told her I still needed her help and she asked to vacuum the living room (praise the Lord!). Away she went to take all her feelings out on the stray tortilla chip crumbs and torn pieces of paper in the living room.
Later, as we sat down to pray for dinner, she did something I have never heard her do before: she prayed for that friend and thanked God for bringing her to Ireland, too. She still wasn’t happy she missed out on the award but she was trying to be happy for her friend.
Man… just scrolling through my instagram feed, I know this is a struggle for so many of us today. Post after post displays our desire, especially as women, for other women to be our cheerleaders and not our competition. We are encouraged to fix one another’s crowns instead of dragging other women down. We are reminded to find our tribes, that group of people who will go to battle with you in every aspect of life. This theme is everywhere because it has been recurring since we were four year olds hoping to be the “Student of the Day”.
I realized a few things as I prayed for my little girl this week.
First, we are driven to compete with one another. Our human nature drives this. The devil drives this. I mean, Genesis chapter 4 tells us how Cain and Abel were out there bringing their offerings to God near the beginning of time and what happened? Cain’s offering wasn’t what God desired which means Abel pleased the Lord and Cain did not. Instead of making a mental note and coming with the correct offering the next time, Cain lures his brother into the field and kills him. Not much has changed. We still find people competing for first place and acting out when they don’t get it. It’s not just big, murderous stories like Cain and Abel, it’s seeing one person get elevated when you feel like you should have been so you gossip a little behind their back. Or maybe you don’t gossip out loud, but inside you are thinking all kinds of things that justify your hurt by tearing the other person down. I would argue that is just as bad. Jesus tells us it is: “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment.” (Mark 5:21-22a).
I am not saying competition is bad in and of itself. Competition can be healthy, in control; it pushes us to succeed and improve. I am saying that the way we react to seeing someone else “beat us”, for lack of a better term, is significant. Do we let it build up hate or envy in our heart? It is hard to love someone or cheer them on when we are feeling the opposite in our heart.
Secondly, if we don’t talk through it or pray through it, these feelings become snares. They trap us in a cycle that is hard to stop. I feel that any unaddressed or even repressed negative feelings become toxic, poisoning everything we do. It was hard to sit there and watch my daughter push her feelings down while trying to cut up some fabrics with me (safety first, of course). She was irritable and eventually lost control all together. I can guarantee if I had offered for this same friend to come for a playdate right then, she would have said no out of spite.
I have definitely been there. It was like God was showing me just what I have looked like when I left things to simmer too long inside and spilled them all out when some other obstacle knocked the lid off the boiling pot that was my emotional stew. It becomes unpalatable and it isolates us from the person with whom God desires to reconcile us. Jesus goes on in Matthew 5 to say we should immediately reconcile ourselves to those we are against in our hearts, first, with the example of forgiving or seeking forgiveness of a brother before you go to make your sacrifice to God and, second, telling people to settle legal matters while on the way to court instead of letting it get all the way to the courts.
I really get the feeling He knows things will get way out of hand the longer we let them go on. These are footholds the enemy can use against us, opportunities for devisiveness. Where unity is the goal, unhealthy competition has no place. So many passages of scripture come to mind because there is nothing new under the sun! The disciples struggled with this while Jesus was walking with them! We would be naive to think we are past or beyond this same struggle.
I am a rambler by nature so I will wrap this up with my third and most tender take away from this week:
When others are elevated, we fear that we are unseen. As my daughter started to explain how she cleaned up the bookshelf and it was as if no one even noticed, I felt the sting that comes with realizing we are all hoping to be seen and known. Her teachers are wonderful and I know she is seen at school. That’s the crux of it, right there. When Abel received praise, I bet Cain felt overshadowed and unseen. The sounds of others receiving praise seems to drown out the truth about our worth… if we let it.
“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” (Ephesians 2:8-10)
At one point, I struggled to believe that I was intentionally created by the Author of all creation as his workmanship, as His masterpiece. My identity mindset changed eternally by taking my creation into account with the perspective that I am a chosen and held daughter of God by the saving work of Jesus Christ in His death and resurrection. To go from that realization to see that God has good work prepared in advance for me… mind blowing. It is my choice, each day, to walk in these good works, not so that they get me to heaven or save me because I could never do enough good work for that! I walk in them because I was made to do them and the God of all has called me to do them. My joy in Him compels me to do them.
We hear that we have unique paths and we all have a unique work to do. That should cut out the competition. If we all have things God desires us, as individuals, to do then why would we be competing with others who also have unique things to do for God?
Sometimes, our unique gifts and works look a lot like what thousands of other people are doing. Spouses know this. Parents know this. Singers know this. Nurses know this. These are a few titles I wear, works that God had prepared for me to do and I personally know thousands (when I scroll through my Facebook feed) of people doing them very similarly to myself. I watch my friends succeed and should rejoice with them!
When we see others doing the thing that we do, our humanity often gets agitated instead of encouraged. I can hear those lies whispering, “Look how good they are doing! Are you sure you should even try at that?” All of a sudden, the gift or work we do seems invisible simply because someone else has been noticed.
That’s where I see the competition become unhealthy: we begin doing our work or using our gifts for the praise of man in place of the One who created us for them in the first place. If I am mothering my children so that they will love me or that the world will see what a great mother I am, then I will be disappointed when other moms do better than me. If I am singing praise to God so that other people will know how good I am at it or admire my faith, then I will be disappointed when there are no compliments or when another worship leader gets elevated.
I’m coming to believe that there is no place in the Kingdom of God for unhealthy competition. It’s a foothold for the enemy to steal, kill, and destroy the beautiful work God is doing in and through us all. Let’s learn together how to celebrate our friends who are “Student of the Day” by remembering that we are seen and loved by the One who created us to do good work in the first place.
“As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.” Ephesians 4:1-6
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