Where does my worth come from?

The truth: I think of blog themes non-stop. Literally every 20 minutes I think of a new thing I want to sit down and spill out over my keyboard to the few eyes that take a peek at this blog. More truth: I am sitting here in my snuggie realizing how often I give up on myself. It seems that, of all of the millions of blog topics I think of, I want to blog about the one that makes the least sense to me and is the most difficult thing for me to try to explain.
It could be easy to explain. The enemy attacks me every moment he gets and tries to convince me that I am just not quite good enough and that I never will be. Simply put: he takes advantage of my moments of insecurity. That wasn’t so hard to explain, now was it? That wasn’t so difficult to figure out!
Oh wait…there is so much more to it. The moments of insecurity. Yes, the enemy takes advantage of the vulnerability there and it makes it easy to give up on myself. But I cannot blame every down moment in my life and in my relationship with God on the enemy. Yeah, he is generally the culprit but, at the end of the day, I generally either let him take advantage of my state or I put myself in the sad position on my own.
It is the moments of insecurity that I can’t quite figure out. I am a person that does appreciate the validation of others. Compliments are great. Affirmation is great. Acknowledgement is great. But that has never been a point of sustenance for me. It affects me but I am not dependent on it. At least, I have never been before. Can I tell you a secret? It is not one I want to tell but I think I need to…just to get it out there. I have begun to be affected by the feelings of others more and more the more Christians I meet and get to know.
Now, as a blanket statement, that sounds really awful. But I do not mean for that sentence to cover every person I have met or every Christian relationship I have. I simply, or not so simply, mean that sometimes people judge me…blatantly and unabashedly without knowledge of their actions. It makes me start thinking, Maybe others think what they think and just hide it better.
Here comes the self-examination portion. I am more than certain that, at some point, I have judged someone and it probably showed on my face, my body language, or my tone of voice. This has probably happened more than once, which brings tears to my eyes. But I can tell you one thing, until this past year or so, it never affected me greatly to be on the receiving end. I noticed but it never hurt my self-confidence. Now, it seems that I have learned the definition of a “holier-than-thou” attitude the hard way in unexpected places and, more than anywhere else, in conversations with people I call brothers and sisters. Maybe that is why it seems to sting so much more. I respect them. I admire them. I see their relationships with God and they are good. I walk away with an ache that says they are giving up on me. I walk away feeling less than enough. I walk away hurt but not convicted. I walk away deflated without encouragement to every try again... I become inclined to find my worth in the opinions of man rather than the truth of Christ.
Big question: Did Jesus ever make anyone feel that way? Did Jesus ever cut someone down with a look or a disapproving frown?
My Jesus offered correction and love graciously and mercifully. My Jesus, though bringing our imperfection to light through His very existence on earth, said, “There is hope.” How? With these words:
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)
I don’t even really know where I am going with this. This could go on and on. But I am going to choose to do what Paul did. The rest of that verse reads:
“Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.”
I will just acknowledge that, yeah there will be moments when people judge my weaknesses and my strengths alike. But why should I be anything but joyful still? The Power of Christ is made perfect in my weakness! I can be glad because, though the mercy and grace of other is much less than sufficient, the grace of my sweet Savior is sufficient and I am made perfect in Him and His blood.
The challenge now, for me and hopefully for you, is to think about whether I allow God’s grace to be sufficient for others like I accept it for myself. Will I walk around thinking about others as though God’s grace enough for the things they don’t have right or will I walk around ready to show people just how sufficient the grace of Christ is?