in the love of Christ

So many weeks of my life have been altered by the worship songs I prepare to sing the following Sunday. I don't listen to a lot of new music and, when I do, it is chosen for me while driving by a radio DJ. But, when I prepare for worship every other week or so, I am so thankful that I serve at a church where the worship folks are always finding the next best song to draw people closer to God and mix those new songs with the tried and true heart changers on Sunday morning. This week as I prepared for church, my heart was painfully joyful. I pulled up the list, looked at the songs and cried. Some are songs that have gotten me through rough days in college or simply bring me back to the Truth of the Gospel instantly. But, it was the last song that really put my heart into a fast rhythm. Driving home from an emotional church event in March, just two short weeks after our first trimester loss of our second child, I struggled with some facts about it that I just didn't know how t...

I have been caught in a struggle lately. I would call it just an emotional time or what it really is: a season of pruning in my life. I re-read one of my the most influential books in my life a few months ago by Bruce Wilkinson: Secrets of the Vine. He writes about the different ways that the vine dresser or gardener cares for the vine as it grows and how these different methods are found in different seasons of our lives. I identified that I was in a season of pruning coming off of a season on discipline and learning some hard lessons. But, life got busy and things happened and I seemed to withdraw from any attempt to go further as a person. The thought of becoming a more faithful or diligent or compassionate or whatever type of person would have been an improvement on my current state of human left my mind on a vacation. The vacation is over and not because I am all of a sudden ready to work on myself again but because I am acutely aware of just how desperately I need Jesu...

During worship a couple of Sundays ago, I sang the words "impossible things in His name they shall be done". I sang that tonight, realizing that the impossible things I prayed for were not done last week. I knew that our tiny baby had passed but I prayed God would bring that baby back to life before my next doctor's appointment. He did not do that. He welcomed that child into His glory in Heaven and I was asking for Him to send him or her back to me. I sang those same words with more belief than ever before again tonight. "Impossible things in His name they SHALL BE DONE!" because those words are true. They were true last week. They are true today. They will be true forever. I have learned and I KNOW that my God is capable of the impossible. He can breathe life into dead things. He is steadfast and faithful. But, if my prayers are not for His Will, they may not be answered in the way I hoped. I may be praying for "good" things but that does not mak...

On this Sunday, one year ago, I sat in my house excited for what the next day held. We had decided to speed up a very slow labor and have baby Jane induced early Monday morning. I couldn't eat anything after midnight, not that I wanted to as the labor contractions had already started and they were not playing nice on the way to the hospital. Needless to say, that was an anxious Sunday. Anxious and exciting. Today is a Sunday. It is the beginning of the week my baby girl will turn one year old! What a whirlwind. But I am, once again, not having anything to eat or drink after midnight and heading to a hospital room not too terribly far from the one baby Jane was born in for a slightly different reason. Jane has a little brother or sister on Heaven now and it is time for me to let that precious child go. We had known for a few weeks we were expecting but I was extremely anxious about our first appointment. Our OB said that was common for the second time around so we had our little...

Awake at night, I lay in bed and pick my sweet little girl up from her cradle in our room. I make an excuse to because I know it bothers my husband when he falls asleep and the baby is in the bed (even if I am wide awake). So, I just changed her diaper...now she is laying on my chest and I am wide awake. Being able to hear her breathe twice for each of my husbands deep, long, sleepy breaths is magical. Everything I have ever wanted to be is right here. Wife. Mother. Those are my dreams and aspirations. I am more than content. I am overflowing with joy. Holding his hand. Balancing her on my chest and belly. My beautifully stretched and mostly shrunken belly. This is very much so my home. Our home. Tomorrow night, as I walk the hallways into work and think to myself all the professional things we are taught to want- a masters degree, extra certifications, professional development- I will remember this right here. The baby hair tickling my chin and the calloused hands of a man who pro...

My neighbor must be heading to work. I can hear his truck rolling on the gravel drive behind us with the windows open to let in some fresh spring air that smells so sweet and cool at 5:29am. And I am laying here with my six week old angel. Six weeks of pure joy and adjustment. She is adjusting to me and I to her. Now, she snoozes in the crook of my arm with her head on my arm and her hand on my chest. My whole body and being sustained her for that long stretch of months where I felt her wiggle and grow within me. Now, I still sustain and grow her along with my husband. I know now what my mom meant when she would say she never has any privacy. My whole body and self are exposed and touched out pretty much all day every day. But it has been the most valuable time in my life. I am thankful for the last six weeks of growing and adjusting along side my husband as we accept the fact that we are parents. That carries a heavy load, another load that I must surrender to The Lord because ...

Of all of the things I could choose as my first topic to blog about in such a long time, I have no idea why it has to be this one. But, it has to be this one. I just woke up from a sad dream. One that I hope my daughter never has. She is actually sleeping close by and I pray in this moment she will never experience the dream I just had. I was throwing a party in some strange alternate version of my present day life where I have a lot of land and tons of money to fund this kind of event. The scene is a not atypical for here in the south: big field, bonfire, beverages, cars/trucks parked everywhere, maybe 150 people total, country music coming from someone's open car. And I am single but all my girlfriends are there. I am, however, the only person with skin that is not white. Everything was going well. It was actually pretty fun. I was throwing the party so I may have been a little anxious and oblivious to the fact that people were keeping me at a distance when they could but, ...